I Hated Being Fat!

I was fat. I hated it.

I hated it because I hated how I looked.

I hated how my jaw disappeared. When I was fat my face just kind of flowed into my neck with no definition of my jaw line. My head stayed small even though my body was large. My head didn’t seem too small when I am at my preferred weight. When I’m fat my head looked oddly small. I hated riding shotgun because my eyes wouldn’t stay off the rear view mirror and all I could see was my fat-altered, misshaped lower face.

I hated shopping for clothes.

Apparently when I was fat I wasn't shaped the way clothing manufacturers thought fat women should be shaped. Clothes didn't fit right and going to a bigger size wasn't the answer. The tight places stayed tight while the baggy places just got baggier. Bathrobes fit but I couldn't leave the house in one.

Apparently when I was fat I wasn’t shaped the way clothing manufacturers thought fat women should be shaped. Clothes didn’t fit right and going to a bigger size wasn’t the answer. The tight places stayed tight while the baggy places just got baggier. Bathrobes fit but I couldn’t leave the house in one.

Nothing looked good on me. I didn’t gain weight in the places the larger clothing sizes thought I should. My body put weight in places it thought it should go. While the thighs and butt of my pants got ridiculously larger, the waistbands got too tight. Dresses pulled across my back and bust, but had too much extra room in the hips. Tops fell off my shoulders and strained across my belly.

I hated how hard it was to ride my horse.

Poor horse hated to see me coming!

Poor horse hated to see me coming!

When I was fat it was hard to keep my center of balance over the horse’s center of balance. If my horse decided to act up, I was much more likely to fall off than to stay with his leaps. Sometimes I’d lose my balance and inadvertently use the reins to steady me. That meant I yanked the metal bit in his mouth harshly on the “bars of his mouth,” the most sensitive part. Driving him wasn’t much better. Climbing into and out of the cart required nimble balance. When I was fat I had neither nimbleness nor, as already noted, balance.

I hated how hard it was to paddle a kayak.

Getting in and out presented a challenge. There isn’t much maneuvering room and balance is essential. The sit-on-top kayaks weren’t the answer. They’re wet and uncomfortable and they too require balance to enter and exit

I hated wearing jeans (and I LOVE jeans)

Jeans are supposed to be tight when they first come out of the dryer, but they're not supposed to keep getting tighter and tighter!

Jeans are supposed to be tight when they first come out of the dryer, but they’re not supposed to keep getting tighter and tighter!

I hated the way my thighs rubbed together. The inner thighs of my jeans wore out fast. I went through jeans in a matter or months. I hated how my jeans kept shrinking even when they weren’t fresh from the dryer. Shrinking jeans wasn’t really the problem!

I hated how fat made me feel.

I hated feeling hot and sweaty. I hated how all the rolls around my middle felt.

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I hated being fat, but I didn’t hate myself!

I had a lot of reasons why I wanted to lose weight although losing weight to stop the discrimination and fat-shaming wasn’t one of them. I know some people hated me because I was fat. It didn’t bother me because I don’t seek approval of anybody but myself and I don’t like prejudice people. I was not missing anything because prejudice people hated me.

I don’t care if ignorant people, who didn’t matter to me whatsoever, had negative thoughts about me, who I am, and my character. Judging people by how they look says a lot about their character! I hate discrimination of any kind!

I hated being fat, but I didn’t hate myself for being fat. I wanted better for myself so I changed my habits to lose weight and keep it off.

I don’t want to let go of the feelings I hated when I am fat and how much I hated it because it helps keep me committed to weight management. Weight maintenance takes the same degree of attention and care that weight loss required.

I got a jaw! I can get in and out of the kayak with ease. My balance is good! My jeans fit and the knees wear out before the inner thighs! I can still eat the food I love because I pay attention to balance and servings. I make it a point to move a lot and all of these behaviors help me avoid getting fat again. Is it worth the effort? YES!

I got a jawline! I can get in and out of the kayak with ease. Horses don’t run away when they see me coming. My balance is good! My jeans fit and the knees wear out before the inner thighs! I can still eat the food I love because I pay attention to balance and servings. I make it a point to move a lot and all of these behaviors help me avoid getting fat again. Is it worth the effort? YES!

When I’m tempted to relax my efforts I just need to remember how much I hated being fat.

Jackie Conn

About Jackie Conn

Jackie Conn is the general manager of Weight Watchers of Maine. She is married and has four grown daughters and four grandchildren. Her experience with her own weight management journey and raising girls has given her insight into the struggles families face with weight, healthy body image, food and physical activity. She has been a regular guest on Channel 5 WABI news for more than ten years and appears monthly as a guest on FOX network morning program Good Day Maine.